i hope whitney wins america's next top model!

enublece cuando la tremula piel palpita al grito, entretiene y por tiempos desatiende. Sobrepasar el hueso, saber lo salado del alma, regresarlo en un beso, y suspira. Mi alma gira, insesante entiende, para explotar atravez de tu costilla; sudando penas y caricias. Retumba risueña hasta mi lengua.
                                

I'll be twenty in a month. I hear a lot of people freak out about not being teenagers anymore. I could really care less. It doesn't really seem too important to me for some reason.

I'm bored with life. The future can't come soon enough. I want to be out of college, marry Ian, have our nice home that he's going to build, have a little money, have some critters, grow a garden, backpack across Europe, save a lot of homeless animals, and do a lot of important shit. I'm an impatient person... whatever.


I need to dye my hair. It looks like a butthole. I need to do a lot of shit.

Living with a five year old makes me think I'll make a terrible parent. I don't know if I mentioned that we have custody of her or not. I'm afraid I'll be a terrible parent and I'll hate m kids because they want too much attention. My mom says everyone is like that until they have their own kids. Sydny always wants so much attention and I just want to be left alone. uhgggg.

I have no idea where my life is going.

I try not to think about the future.

Job hunting is annoying.

Animal crossing is addicting.

My dog is so fucking cute.



I saw Christina Friday night. It was the first time since like.. high school.


Ian murdered my phone and I lost a lot of numbers.

I was so choked up on loathing I could hardly see straight. Every now and then a thick chill went up my spine and I felt so electrified with it I was joyous. It was true: I was surrounded by people yet apparently, in my mind at least, completely alone. Sickness rested in me.
“I can’t go for a drink tonight. Sorry, man.”
Now I was denying my company to the only other man in the place as insane as me. The rest can tumble, roll down the hills of rock and crag and never get up at the bottom.
Some minutes later, he walked slowly over to me. “Any particular reason?”
“I’m in a bad place and it’ll only get worse.”
“You’re in a bad place?”
“Yes. Not a good place.” And he left me – to my desk, to the trembling feeling inside me, like a bird on fire.
Now I had walked out the office. I was walking, slower than the crowd but in the same direction as them, a rolled cigarette between my lips, my eyes taking in the grey pavement. I was walking to the bookstore where it would be quiet and cool and I could get away. It was as cool as I’d wished, and empty too. There was a young girl behind the counter who was sorting through some new books and ignoring me, and two other shoppers – one near the revolting books about finance and another in the crime section. I walked over to my favourite writers. My stride was comfortable and well-measured, as if strutting up to them in bar. “What’ll you have?” asks Hamsun. “Get me a cold beer and a double bourbon & Coke, it’s been a tough day, Hamsun.” Hamsun gets my drinks. Fante sits there, snarling, waiting for me to talk to him and I will because I love him.
I pick up Hamsun off the shelf and turn to a page between 100 and 150. I read a couple of pages; something about a dream and vines and snakes, but more sublime than you can imagine. “You did well in that one, Hamsun?” “Thank you.”
I walk along to Fante, already feeling better and miles away from the office. Fante sat there, familiar, speckled in freckles and eyeing the barmaid. “It is you I love the most, sir.” I kiss his hand and read a couple of his pages, 146-148, I believe. “O, I must go. My train will leave soon.” I shake their hands and put them back in the shelf.
Ah, there is Rebecca walking in front of me towards the platform. Can’t any of these old faces leave me alone, I think to myself. I take my time, fumbling my ticket into the gate so that I don’t have to walk beside her. Instead I walk behind her. I see her Achilles tendon all cut up from bad shoes and I resent her, hair all glossy and stride so feminine yet look at her Achilles tendon! It is all scabby and tattered. She does not even buy herself good and fitting shoes. She is surely a fool.
I sit on the dark train near some grey businessmen. I think about whaling. Recently I have grown very interested and excited about whaling. I might consider a career change. I will not kill them and will not drag their behemoth bleeding bodies onboard my shiny ship. No, instead they will play with me in the waves and challenge my ship and my men, the most loyal sailors in the seven seas, and we will chase them and catch them. The whales will laugh and my men will cheer and I will be stood on the bow, smoking my little browning cigarette and tapping my foot to the chants of the ocean, blue and unfolding, infinite and noble.

So I got 3 A's and 1 B!!

I am actually conquering statistics right now during mini session!

I decided not to take 2 classes during first session, I need a long break.

Matt and I decided we're moving into a rental home. There are too many break ins and robberies at other buildings, our upstairs neighbor has this excessive coughing and throwing up thing where he does 10 times in the middle of the night and I can't get sleep, the dogs NEED a yard to play in, and the both of us agree we both need more room. I am so excited! Hopefully it'll be close to UT still. Hahah Sam wanna help me move again? LOL!

Matt REALLY wants to go to carpentry school. He and his parents talked about it last night and Matt decided he wants to wait till I graduate so he wouldn't have to leave me. That means, I'll do my internship in Asheville, NC while Matt attends carpentry school for a year!!! Gahhhhh I am SO excited.

I feel like everything is falling into place, I feel my life is actually going somewhere rather than just college, college, college!

I can't wait to see Sex and the City with Jessica! It looks so fabulous! Rachel you should come with us!!!

So June 7th is Matt and I's 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY! That rules! Then on June 14th is my 21st BIRTHDAY!!! WoOoOoO!

I really want to do a mission trip during June sometime but I don't know with who or where. SAM & JOSH!!! I am FREE for the month of June but I NEED to know when we can chill b/c I got to ask off work!

I have falling in love with Angelique Houtkamp's work. I LOVE this one:

Now we were on the train home, the last train home. The last train home is always a mobile crypt of drunks and sleazy characters yapping and shrieking. The lights in the carriage made it appear, with dark windows, like the engine room on a sinking ship. Alex was beside me. I had forgotten how her accent sounded – as soon as I heard it again eleven hours previous I remembered the sound, unlike any other I knew, so angelic. Imagine a young German girl who is lost but altogether joyful for being disorientated from where she should be; that is how she sounds.
Alex was very different now. Maybe she has just heard some terrible news. She stared forward, not at me, never at me. Only when I asked her again and again, “Are you OK?” did she turn to me and lie so sorrowfully. On one side of me was the suffocating abyss of night and on the other were her eyes, the prettiest eyes I have ever seen, looking so sad. Still, she told me nothing. “Do not make a fuss of this,” she said eventually. I clasped her hand and it sweated. It dripped with sweat, clammy, yet I held tight because her tongue would tell me nothing. I put my head on her shoulder and she put her fingers through my hair. I felt useless, no function to her, and she accused me of not enjoying the gig! I had, so much, I had. I sensed she didn’t believe me because my face is always so miserable and blasé. Alex, my dear, I enjoyed it, my organs shocked with sound as Nick Cave gyrated on stage as cool as anything and you stood beside me, a smile ear-to-ear and unable to contain yourself. I will not contain you and you seemed happy. Now she was not. Now she stared straightforward and my heart was becoming heavy.
Finally we got in a taxi and I made chitchat with the driver while she said nothing. All I could see was that silhouette of black against the passing streetlights. It was as if she had ascended from her body. She had strictly told me to not fuss about this but I was, and how!
When we said goodnight, I leaned my head on the banister and she looked up at me from the black & white tiled floor, light from her guestroom glowing faintly on one side of her face. “I hope you had a good day.” “I did. Did you?” “Very much so.” And I lay in bed thinking I should go talk to her but it was obvious she did not want to talk. My ears rung with a frequency I’ll never hear again. She was smothered by sheets beneath me, her immaculate eyes covered in the thin skin of eyelids, twitching with the reveries of deep sleep.

thefelinepunk: I'm a great cook
yurtishome: Oh yeah, well so am I
thefelinepunk: Oh I know
yurtishome: Everyone loves my white sauce
yurtishome: Especially your mom
thefelinepunk: OH!
yurtishome: ZING
thefelinepunk: ON MOTHERS DAY?!
thefelinepunk: REALLY?
yurtishome: Haha
thefelinepunk: you're an asshole and I'm telling.
thefelinepunk: ...your mom
thefelinepunk: it'll break her heart
yurtishome: lol
thefelinepunk: ...that you cheated on her with my mom
yurtishome: MY MOTHER IS A SAINT

mansion.muxtape.com

Let me know what you think.
I was going to do a long track-by-track breakdown.
If you want to know why I chose certain tracks, I'll explain.
It's a bit here-and-there.
Enjoy, my friends.

PS. I might start doing different themed ones if people are going to listen.

my cat, Ria, had her babies about two days ago
she had 2 calico and 4 black and white ones,
they are super freaking adorable!
one of the black and white kitties died last night :(
we burried him behind our building

5 kitties left. i love them all so much.

on another hand im excited cause i got my bed today,
it's full size and only cost me $60.

i decided the colors i will use to decorate my room,
are: off white, green, brown, red and orange.
the carpet is already brown, im painting my walls green,
im also looking for a green leather or suede recliner
to put in the corner for reading.
and i want these things from urban for the room:



i could take out green from the color scheme,
but i think it gives it a little extra...
and i dont want anything to be too matchy.


so yeah... it took me so long to figure all this out,
i hope no one steals my idea.

rezago
regazo
persigue fiel caudal, la cuspide estrella, siempre palpita, enjundia divina, celosa caudica, tan triste encapricha; cansante la voz, que vibra travez de tu esternon, vibra travez de tu costillar, empuñar la palma, justo despues y un revez por palabra; me llamas, asi...

I leave for my trip to New York on Monday. I work today and Sunday and graduation is tomorrow, so I thought I'd let you all know before I forget.

I have no internet there, and I don't want to bother with bringing the laptop to go to starbucks. So I'll be using my phone to take pics and put them on flickr. If all goes well, it should automatically post to lj. I'll also be texting my twitter account with general updates. I don't like the sound of my voice, so no phone posts.

Here are the links.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tbsinnewyork/
http://twitter.com/taurusbombshell

My interview went well, but there are other applicants, so I have to wait it out. I was promoted to key holder at my current job. I need to sew like a crazy person in order to get everything together by these two cons. I can't find a good pair of black pants to save my life because I am skinny and short. Maybe I should just make some.

so matt's parents have been out of town and we've been staying over here for the past week. me and matt left for not even 5 minutes to the gas station and freckin doobie got ahold of my cell phone and chewed it all up. i bought a new cell phone and cover case on ebay! i am excited, you can get such good deals on ebay.





so i only had like 3 days of summer till i started summer school and matt planned out a whole day for me and him monday. ahhhh it was amazing! he didn't give me any clues and he took me to the zoo and i held a big madagascar cockroach and saw so much cool stuff. then he took me to cades cove!!! we were like 30 ft away from a mama bear and her two cubs. the cubs were climbing up the tree so fast! then we went to gatlinburg and walked around and then we went out to eat! it was the perfect day, i love him so much. i got 4 As and my last grade hasn't come in yet.

matt got a tattoo on his arm yesterday. baker did such an amazing job. the second he saw it a couple months he has been wanting it. it rules so hard!

( don't miss out )

more cat pictures

“What are you doing this lunchtime?”
“I’m gonna go for a walk.”
“O, where to?”
“To St Bartholomew’s.”
“Ah, you’re religious?”
“No, not at all, I just feel like a nice walk. You can’t stay in the office in this lovely weather. Besides it’s pretty quiet down there. No city-boys.”
The real reason I was going was to take a photograph for Hannah’s letter (which I still haven’t finished) but I didn’t feel like telling Rod that.
At twelve-forty-five it was sunny and heavenly. If heaven existed with a sun in its sky, it would have shone like it shone today in London at twelve-forty-five. Everyone was out, on the warm pavements drinking or laughing or talking or standing in the shade of shop-fronts. I walked swiftly, through the crowds, cursing the odd slow gentleman. And the flesh was out as well. Women amongst the people with their legs out or their breasts out, yet with charm, and beautiful, I will tell you, and no time in the world for a man like me but I never salivated much. It seemed to me that when the sun arrived with birds tweeting and clouds that parted like stage-curtains, women so beautiful rose from the soil and wandered the world. I was astounded. Every patch of grass was covered with people, every flat surface above the ground was covered by the bottom of someone eating lunch. It was glorious and nothing less (Earlier in the day, during a cigarette break, I told a fellow smoker, “This is what it’s about!” and pointed to the blue cloudless sky. “It should be like this everyday,” he replied. I felt like saying, “But then we would not appreciate it.” I decided not to).
Down London Wall there were no more goddamn people in suits. Tower 42 and City Point were still visible but the city boys dare not stray so far. Instead labourers holding cheap cigarettes stood about swearing and chuckling. I moved through them feeling perhaps that I should wish them a good day.
I got to St Bartholomew’s and there was a young African woman sitting with a tramp who had a great white beard. The two were talking and eating from similar containers – she must have fed him, I thought – and he was laughing a jolly laugh, his belly shaking.
I sat down in the courtyard and pulled out my book but decided against reading it. Why come, I thought, to such a wondrous place in such wondrous weather to look at the pages of a book? This is where I sat with Hannah and we kissed, our knees touching, and she asked me such questions about ex-girlfriends and I could only answer too honestly but she was not slighted. Instead, her knees pressed harder into mine and we kissed more under that dying winter moon. That seemed so long ago, Hannah. A Malaysian woman beside me kept throwing the crusts of her bread to the pigeons that fought over it till the scene appeared to me like some fervent orgy. At one point, the crust was on a pigeon’s back and all the other pigeons pecked at him causing him to tumble. A pretty girl in scarlet shoes sat on the other side of the water fountain. Two men with blue stubble smoked cigarettes and talked angrily. Nurses in uniform gossiped. A rotund woman left her bench and sat beside me. I wondered for a moment that she might fancy me and that, being of her size and age, she would surely eat me alive and I would go into her arms willingly, if only out of boredom and interest. She read her newspaper while I smoked and took a photograph. When I was done, I coughed violently, stared at the bench (reminiscing) and got out of there.

In the evening, I was sat on the train reading my book in the disgraceful heat of the carriage. I opened all the windows but they did nothing. The book didn’t grasp me enough and I looked out of the window at the constant rush of people heading down the platform to their train. I stared at the women and said to myself, “Yes, I would fuck her” or “No, I wouldn’t fuck her” and felt like a misogynist. Then I recognised someone. Ah, it is Rachael! The girl who I’ve been friends with for eleven years. The girl who I grew up with. The girl I was best friends with. The girl whose wedding I was an usher at. The girl whose wedding dissolved five months after it was made. The girl who I could no longer give a damn about. She was dressed smart and she saw me. For a moment I pretended I hadn’t seen her, after all, I didn’t want to speak to her but instead wanted to read my book a bit longer then fall asleep. Both of those activities would be jeopardised if she sat in the chair next to me. No, ignore her, Rhys. Too late. That courtesy my mother impregnated me with at a young age won through and I smiled at her. I expected her to come in and join me.
She didn’t!
Brilliant!
She smiled back and walked on.
I burst out laughing. O, I laughed. Of course I haven’t spoken to her in seven months and since then she’s been divorced. She is too embarrassed to talk to me. She knows that her wedding was a travesty and that she’d rather not talk to me about it. I would point out that, yes, the wedding was a joke and that she was the butt of the joke but that getting rotten drunk, smashing glasses, harassing waitresses and hitting on her fifteen-year-old cousin before telling her auntie that she was “fucking gorgeous” more than made up for it. If anything, we were even.
But she just walked on. I smiled and got back to my book. Kerouac’s The Subterraneans was still not enough to hold my attention and I fell into sweat-filled sleep.